Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 6 recap

Spoilers ahead!

Another great episode this week, full of drama, drama, drama and a few notable firsts: We finally see the epic city of Braavos, we see the Theon's sister Yara and the Ironborns in action and we see how the justice system, such as it is, functions in Westeros (spoiler: not so well).

Things open as Stannis and Davos enter the epic city of Braavos, a city much spoken of and which lives up to its legendary reputation. The mouth of its bay is overseen by a huge statue of a soldier triumphantly holding a broken sword to the sky, which tells you a lot of things, most notably: this place takes shit seriously.

I thought cleaning the house was a shitty job.

As Iron Banker #1, Mark Gatiss (of the amazing League of Gentlemen, all of whom should have recurring roles in GoT, IMO) is unmoved by Stannis and Davos' case because their numbers just don't add up. But when Davos pulls out his prop of 'no fingers', he actually convinces the league of Braavosi bankers that not only is Stannis a man of his word, but a better long-term bet. Because, let's face it- Tywin Lannnister is the only one who knows what he's doing in King's Landing. When he's gone, who you gonna call?

Then we get to see the Yara and the Ironborns in action at the Dreadfort, staging an attack impressive in both its initial covert nature and its incredible swiftness (seriously, they're there for like 5 minutes- and they've been sailing since last season), until they reach the kennels only to discover that the good, loyal Reek won't leave his cage. And so, once again, doing the honourable thing in Westeros is shown to be a bad idea.

It's OK to be proud.

Following this, the bloodythirsty, kinky sex-loving Ramsay (do you suppose he got those bloody cuts all over his torso from the love-making, or his sword fighting on his way to the kennels. Ambiguity is a harsh mistress!) has a cunning plan. Rewarding his loyal Reek with a bath (and the most threatening bath sponge you've even seen), he starts to lay out his next cunning plan - reprogram Reek into a faux-Theon and help stage a coup on the strategic stronghold Moat Cailin. By my reckoning we should see this take place around about mid-season five. It's something ludicrous to look forward to.

For the dragon on the go.

Back in the lush grazing lands of Meereen, Khaleesi's dragons are running amok, roasting goats and leaving the herders with nothing but a pile of charcoaled remains. He appeals to Khaleesi (I'm not the only one who thought the guy was going to unfold the blanket to reveal his son's bones, am I?) and is promised restitution to the value of three times his herd. He exits, stage right. How easy is ruling? It's good to be the Queen.

Next supplicant is the son of one of Meereen's noble masters, appealing to have his father's body removed from the human signposts outside the city so that he may have a proper burial. The poor Queen is a little shaken - this one is a little stickier than crispy goatmeat. She eventually agrees - yes, he can bury his father. He exits, grateful. Only another 212 more supplicants to go. It's boring to be the Queen.

Who makes all these things happen anyway? Do you suppose there's some sort of admin guy hanging around the cloisters, taking notes on the Queen's decrees and making arrangements for them to be actioned? Is there are a whole team? And how long does it take? If there's one thing I know about admin, it's that it takes ages.

For the second half of the episode it's all steadily ratcheting drama. The new King's Council meets for the first time, with Oberyn complaining that it's too early and Varys dropping news bombs all over the place. The Hound has been spotted killing Lannister soldiers so Tywin decides to place a 100 Silver Stag bounty on his head. (Which pricks up Oberyn's ears- perhaps a handsome bounty will make the Mountain go looking for his brother and give Oberyn a chance for revenge, without owing a debt to Tywin?).

There's also news that 'the Targaryen girl' has taken up residence in Meereen with her unsullied, her second sons and her 'three baby dragons' who 'get bigger every year'. Tywin decides that something must be done, and Varys' 'little birds' are ones to organise it. He sends the just-thrilled-to-be-included Mace Tyrell to fetch his quill and paper so that he can prepare instructions...

[Insert juvenile caption joke here.
Something to do with going to the toilet, probably]

And then we move on to the big show that is Tyrion's trial, and get a proper look at how the justice system works in Westeros: arbitrarily! King Tommen recuses himself from proceedings, thus leaving Grandpa Tywin to run things as he sees fit. Consequently, we get devastating, but circumstantial, testimony from those Tyrion has crossed (Ser Meryn, Cersei), insulted (Grand Maester Pycelle) or left in a vicarious position (Varys, who, we all hope, is playing some angle that allows him to save Tyrion??).


It's all pretty bad, and Tyrion treats it with the disdain it deserves. Even Jaime sees through the nonsense and appeals to his Father with deal: Let Tyrion live, and I'll quit the King's Guard and give you some grandkids to carry on the Lannister name. And before Jaime even realises it: it's a done deal! So that was ol' Tywin's strategy all along - he gets to exile one embarrassing son to the wall as penalty for Joffrey's assassination and gets his other son to father some legitimate children. Tywin always sees the angles.

And so it's all tidily stitched up until the Surprise Witness™ appears. Tyrion's one true love, Shae, seeming to genuinely be a woman scorned (which is better than the fate I guessed had befallen her), delivers nuggets of truth coated in the hot sauce of the opposite-of-context. It's heart-breaking.

[Side note: Where did they get this crowd? In a city that sees frequent acts of attack and execution, they sure did shock easy at the mention of the phase "I was his whore". Must be conservative voters.]

The whole testimony leaves Tyrion shattered and with nothing left to lose, so he lets rip at the crowd for their short memories and foolish beliefs (maybe we can book him to deliver the same speech here in Australia when our mining reserves run out). 

But he won't admit to murdering Joffrey (maybe it was the pigeons), so, as the only act of retaliation left open to him, he demands a trial by combat! The crowd does nuts! But what does this mean? I forget the rules. Does a volunteer have to fight him, or do the judges select someone? And someone can fight on his behalf, yes? Like the last time he faced this problem at the Eyrie. So who will it be? It's got to be Jaime vs Ser Bronn, right? A real show stopper: two men who, after months of training together, now know each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Not to mention, if Jaime's sperm is put in danger, what does this mean for Tywin's grand plan?!

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 5 recap

Spoilers ahead!

Now that was a good episode. Maybe one of the best! Slightly clunky in a few exposition parts ("remember the time I poisoned my husband?"), but considering the changed nature of the landscape following this episode, and how deftly it brings us full circle from the very first episode of the series, it's easy to overlook a few stumbles.

The things we do for everything.

The biggest revelation of the episode (arguably the series, up to this point) is tucked away in the middle of the episode. The realisation that Littlefinger has been the puppet master behind this game of thrones all along, whose very actions kicked the entire series into motion. It was he who conspired to murder King Robert Baratheon's Hand of the King, Jon Aryn of the Vale, and then have the widow Lysa write a letter to her sister Catelyn Stark (way back in season 1, episode 1) blaming the Lannisters for his death. This brings Ned Stark to King's Landing where he is eventually executed (spoiler) after coming to believe Aryn's murder was a means of covering up Joffrey's true lineage. This in turn kicks the brewing turmoil into all-our war.  All the while, Littlefinger was secreting away money in his role of Master of Coin, awaiting his chance to marry Lady Lysa  and thus gain control of an impenetrable fortress with a strong army undiminished by a war in which they take no part. Phew. Did you get all that? I probably missed some stuff.

Kudos, Littlefinger. That's some nice long term scheming. 

I now pronounce you: better than your brother.

Meanwhile: Tommen's coronation is a decidedly upbeat affair, probably because the crowd, for a change, feel like the chances of suddenly being humiliated and murdered by their king for no reason are suddenly super low. A basic prerequisite for a party in my book. Margaery makes lovey faces at Tommen all the while, selecting the most obvious place in the royal hall to do it. It's not long before Cersei eyes her off and saddles alongside her. The party has obviously put her in a good mood too, because despite playing her cards pretty close to her chest (we must assume) and actually seemed to seek a mutually beneficial arrangement with Margaery rather than tossing threats at her.  Same goes for when Cersei tries to find common ground with Prince Oberyn by waxing sentimental about their children. She must be up to something, right?

In Meereen, everyone is good and cleaned up (except, again, Ser Jorah, still unshaven) after their successful victory. Jorah has good news and bad news though. And he's obviously taken some managing relationship courses because he knows how to deliver constructive criticism the middle management way- by using the sandwich method! 

E-book coming soon.

First, take a slice of good news bread:
Hey Khalessi, Joffrey is dead! That means there's dissent within the kingdom.

But then; the meat of criticism:
Hey Khaleesi- remember all those places you liberated? Well, the slavers have taken over again. Everyone's saying the Mother of Dragons ain't such a liberator after all - the PR department are losing their minds. It's pretty bad.

And to complete the constructive criticism sandwich you add one more piece of good news bread: 
Hey, Khalessi- you now have enough men (9300), enough boats (93) and enough dragons (3) to take King's Landing. And maybe the rest of Westeros, if you're lucky. 

Jorah serves it up and..bam:
Instead of launching an invasion on Westeros, Khaleesi decides to take some time to "rule" the lands she has already conquered. She's working on improving her leadership skills before taking the next step in career progression. Tick that 'satisfactory' box on her performance review.

Tywin and Cersei have a heart to heart, organising Tommen's marriage to Margeary (that was fast) in two weeks, Cersei's marriage to Loras (in a month) and the reasons this is so important. Laying out quite bluntly what had been alluded to regularly through the show- that the Lannisters are woefully in debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos and without the help of the Tyrells, they won't be in power very long. After all, they've mined no gold in three years (bastards probably didn't even pay mining taxes when they were), it's all on credit.

Arya and the Hound (place of pride as last on her doomed men list) take a brief respite in the countryside to sleep, practice sword fighting and say 'cunt' a bit more. Also, the Hound thinks Braavosi sword fighting sucks.

A face only a prostitute could
love and love and love...

Brienne and Podrick get off to a rocky start, what with his lack of riding skills, lack of meal prepping skills (he stomps a burning rabbit rather than throwing it in the creek that is just there) and reluctance to accept his release from the oath of squireship. It's only when he happens to mention that put a spear through the back of Kings Guard's head at the Battle of Blackwater that Brienne sees his true value. She asks him to help remove her armour. It's as close to an ohhhh as Game of Thrones gets.

Jon and his men are at Craster's Keep. Just like that. It's thrilling that some of this stuff is happening so swiftly, after four years of "winter is coming" and dragons gradually getting bigger, I love that the show just pushed straight ahead with this storyline. Locke proves himself adept at moving around unnoticed, spying out the location of Bran and his crew in a small hut on the grounds. 

You can tell way more about a person from their
eHarmony profile pic than the profile alone.

The vile lead mutineer, Karl Tanner makes one final quality attempt at deserving his death by preparing to rape Meera, but is stopped in his tracks as Jojen foretells his future: that of becoming a broken, burning corpse before night's end. Sure enough, Jon Snow runs him through the head with his sword (in an odd bit of foreshadowed action considering Podrick's specific tale of death not 15 minutes earlier). And when Locke sneaks in to kidnap Bran (I don't really understand why he didn't just kill them all straight away, while they're all tied up - maybe to find out where Rikon is?), Bran pulls a very satisfying trick by wargging into Hodor, breaking his chains and then tearing Locke's head out of its socket. Man, that was sweet. 

Hodor smash!

And so Craster's Keep is burnt to the ground as Bran, the (suddenly) reinvigorated Jojen, Meera and Hodor head back on the trail in search of the three eyed raven and the weirwood tree. But at least Jon reunites with his direwolf. One more ohhhh moment.

I almost forgot: Lysa expects Sansa to marry her weird son Robin. Gross. That probably won't happen though will it? I mean, Lysa is sure to 'trip' and fall through the moon door any minute, yeah? And then the conveniently widowed Littlefinger will simply marry Sansa. Nothing to worry about!

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 4 recap

Spoilers ahead!

Oh. It was the Tyrell's. Specifically Lady Tyrell, with a little help from Littlefinger. The murder of King Joffrey has been solved. My plot hole accusations last week may have been a tad hasty, as it all got cleared up very tidily. Which, if I'm completely honest, is a little bit of a disappointment. I really thought we were going to have a bit of a mystery, a bit of intrigue as this season progressed. Can't have it all. Unless you're Petyr Baliesh, in which case you can certainly try.

But the motive was, essentially, Lady Tyrell not wanting her granddaughter to marry a psychopath.  Makes sense. And she did show some genuine affection for Sansa, which explains organising her escape. Guess she didn't have much sympathy for poor Tyrion though.

You may wonder, how did the poisoned gem even make it to Lady Tyrell? I had to go hunting back in episode two to find the sleight of hand:

A move worthy of Huell himself.

Nice work, Game of Thrones showrunners. I appreciate that kind of thoroughness. (Now deal with if Tywin actually thinks Tyrion killed Joffrey!)

Outside Meereen, Khaleesi's army await nightfall, killing time learning to read and reminiscing about childhoods; half-remembered, lost or otherwise. Grey Worm is learning bit by bit, and his passion for 'killing the masters' has a foreshadowing of doom about it. Because let's not forget, once all the slaves are freed, there will still be one master left- and she's got three dragons.

Rush hour in Meereen is the worst.

But no time for casting aspersions on the future- it's time instead for a group of unsullied to secret their way into the slave quarters of Meereen and convince the occupants that they can have their freedom - if they want it enough. Also if they have bags of swords. Also if they can strategically organise to converge upon a single master in an afore-designated intersection where whoever has the best penmanship has previously scrawled 'Kill the Masters' in legible English. But then: freedom!

Jaime, the villain supremo of last week is back to his affable self, duelling with Bronn by the sea in the morning air, with nary a mention of rape. Good times, I guess. And then Bronn brings up the fact that Tywin is sitting in his prison cell and has yet to receive a visit from his brother. And this, after Tyrion asked for Jaime to be his champion at his trial in the Eyrie. Time for everyone to sympathise about a great brother this rapist is.

So, Jaime visits with his brother and offers advice that amounts to 'Look on the bright side'. The bright side in this instance is having a literal pot to literally piss in. Jaime's no Dr Phil. But his advice is less inane, I suppose.

They're on a boat! (It was late and I was tired)

Sansa and Joffrey are still on a boat to the Eyrie, and it was refreshing (because I actually doubted it would happen) when Sansa actually asked the question 'Did you kill Joffrey?'. His wordy explanation results in him confessing: "I helped my new friends". The crossfade to Margaery and Lady Tyrell is a nice one, as Tyrell the elder explains how she manipulated her way to power, doing 'what needs to be done' and includes a momentary close up of Lady Tyrell fingering her granddaughter's necklace. A sign that there are more poisonings to come?

My bling got 'em calling me.

Taking the advice to heart, Margaery begins doing what needs to be done, which in the first instance is sneaking into Tommen's bedroom in the dark of night to do some grooming of the young King-to-be, complete with 'little secrets' that he can't tell his Mum.

At Castle Black, Jon Snow is attempting to train the other men in battle, and we see that Roose Bolton's man, Locke (the man who took Jaime's hand), in what may be the fastest geographical move of a character in the series, has bluffed his way into the Night's Watch as a way to locate the last of the Stark clan and wipe them out. The scene is peppered with references to 'disarming' and 'losing a hand'. You can't accuse these writers of being humourless (unless they're writing the Craster's Keep scenes).

O' Captain, My Captain.

In the hopes that the journey to the afore-mentioned Keep will end in Jon Snow's death, Commander Thorne agrees to let Jon go, but only with volunteers. Jon gives a rousing speech, and a handful of loyal comrades rise to stand with him. Part of me wishes they'd stood up on their benches and quoted some Walt Whitman.

Cersei and Jaime have another heart-to-heart (no mention of last week's indiscretion (a term worthy of the show's lack of interest in following up on the scene)), and Cersei presents her brother with what the show does consider murky moral territory: if he swore an oath to Lady Catelyn Stark to save her daughters, and Lady Catelyn is now dead, should he still honour his oath?

Jaime, because he is honourable under some circumstances, makes arrangements for Brienne to set out to save Sansa from the vengeful actions of Cersei. He prepares some gifts for her: his Valyrion steel sword, which she names Oathkeeper, a new suit of armour and Tyrion's disenfranchised steward, Podrick (who she might not have been so reluctant to accept if she knew his reputation around the King's Landing brothels. He could truly be the gift that keeps on giving).

Life at Craster's Keep has gone from bad to worse as the Night's Watch mutineers have turned the place into a nightmare of sexual assault and bone crockery. The leader of the group is Karl Tanner, whose makes a gallant grab as the latest most vile character. When Bran, Hodor and the Reed twins stumble upon the camp, things take a turn for the worst. But maybe we'll see a minor family reunion this season when Jon makes it to the Keep? (If Jon makes it to the Keep).
 

To close things off, we get a glimpse of the White Walkers lair, a monumental construction of stone and ice, reminiscent of an air-conditioned Mount Doom. And here we find out exactly what happens to all of Craster's sons who have left out in the cold. They've been turned into ice zombies for the growing army of White Walkers. Question: despite being turned into these 'undead' creatures, do the babies still grow into adulthood? Or is it an army of walkers and militant babies? Because that would make an amazing ending to the series. You're welcome, George RR, you can start wrapping things up.


Postscript: I've since read that this episode veered off wildly from the books (more than usual) (the stuff with the white walkers, Locke turning up at Castle Black). Looks like this may be the moment the show's fans split: are you canon or non-canon?!

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 3 recap

Spoilers ahead!

So, no time to waste! Sansa's timely benefactor, Dontos, turns out to be nothing more than a fool for hire as it is revealed that Littlefinger himself was behind not only the fool's gift of the last family heirloom in episode one, but also arranged her timely getaway.

The plotholes in this episode are almost too numerous to mention. It may all become clear, but the circumstances surrounding the main suspects (thus far) in Joffrey's assassination are really pretty ludicrous. Are we to assume that Littlefinger knew specifically about the murder in advance? How else does the show explain his extraordinary timing? Has he been sitting in a fog bank for days? Weeks? Awaiting an opportunity for the fool to escort Sansa to safety? After all that exposure to moisture he'd have the demeanor of Stannis Baratheon by now.

Alternatively, are expected to believe that Tywin seriously suspects Tyrion of poisoning Joffrey? We all know he loathes this son of his, but surely he realises his son isn't idiotic enough to carry out revenge in this way. Unless we leap to the conclusion (as Tyrion himself points out) that Tywin himself conspired against the King, how do reconcile this uncharacteristic mindlessness on the part of the most strategic character? Perhaps that's it - it's nothing but strategy - he knows Tyrion's innocent, but is buying time to shore up the support of Oberyn Martell in the new King's council while also investigating the crime himself? Theories abound!

Images: courtesy of Westeros BnB

 Tyrion is spending his time much like Ned Stark at the end of season one, sitting in a cell (though this one is better lit than his, by which I mean: actually has light) and is visited by his loyal steward Podrick, who manages to smuggle in cheese, sausage and other snacks for his boss. When he delivers news that he was approached the 'Ominous They' to testify against Tyrion (and both didn't tell them anything but also gave them an answer - which is it, Pod?!) Tyrion dismisses him from duty and orders him to leave the city. But not before we get a scene of back-and-forth pacing as Tyrion pontificates on the true culprits in the crime, like a regular Miss Marple. (Idea: GoT spin-off: Tyrion P.I.: Tyron Lannister, ex-diploma playboy finds himself reluctantly assuming the role of private investigator as a crime wave spreads through the seedy underbelly of coastal city Kings Landing. Only someone with his quick-thinking stands a chance at solving each week's outrageous case!)

Ask yourself: who wouldn't watch this?!

Totally gross.

Cersei still really wants Tyrion dead for his perceived crime, and it's nice that her rationale for his culpability goes back to his promise that he will make her pay when she least expects it. Her obvious distress plays precursor to this episode's tailor-made sequence of unpleasantness with Jaime (the swinging pendulum of audience allegiance himself) swinging his way back into the villain books by raping his eternal love/sister/ex-queen Cersei, right next to their son's body on the slab. An unpleasant, shocking scene, it's also an unusual (but not uncharacteristic) diversion from the books. Do we mark this down as poor form?

Long live the King?

What is clear is that Tommen is indeed next in line to the throne. Tywin takes the opportunity to question the young man about the qualities required to be a truly good king. Turns out it's pretty specific: always listen to grandad.

Meanwhile, our favourite double act, Arya and the Hound continue their way toward the Eyrie, stopping briefly to take shelter, eat rabbit stew, be as insulting as possible during a single sitting, and eventually act out some minor assault and thievery. Still, you can't fault the Hound's reasoning- that guy and his daughter are definitely going to be dead by winter (is coming).

At Castle Black things are a little Ramsay St, as Sam and Gilly have a series of scenes that are  marginally more memorable than a break-up on Neighbors (from what I've seen). The tacit misunderstandings, the frustratingly unspoken truths, the cold shoulders etc. Of course, this melodrama is helped is markedly by taking place largely inside the 'safest place to be': a More's town brothel, as opposed to say, a Melbourne cul-de-sac.

Back in the pertual dank of Dragonstone, Stannis' mood has been slightly enlivened by news that the usurper Joffrey has been laid to waste. Which means the pressure is on Ser Davos to actually deliver the army he has promised. He's in a tight spot since the only houses he has won to the cause are lacking in manpower. And they can't employ sellswords because they have no gold. And then, while reading and listening to Princess Shireen make Monty Python references, Davos stumbles on a brilliant idea - aligning with the Iron Bank of Braavos, to whom the Lannisters in a most dire financial debt.

I can smoulder, and strategise while I smoulder.

The Wildlings and Thenns are on the rampage, attacking and slaughtering and eating local villages in the North. This, coupled with the arrival of two escapees from last season's Craster's Keep mutiny prompts Jon Snow to effectively volunteer to go back over the wall and wipe out those who are left, since they know full well the limited defense capacity of the Night's Watch.

Ain't no thing.

At the beautifully  digital city of Meereen, Khaleesi wishes to speak to the slave population of the city, but has to wait until Daario Naharis proves his worth by blinding a horse and decapitating its rider (which he totally does).  I'm warming to the cast change.  Khaleesi promises the slaves freedom from their masters. As a gesture, her army catapults barrels of broken chains into the city to illustrate their point. I would warrant that catapulting chisels or hacksaws into the city might also make the same point, but with same practical value. But that's just me.

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 2

Spoilers ahead.

Ok, I think we can all agree now on the lesson Game of Thrones was trying to teach us all along: weddings are the worst. They might be in the wedding party or one of the guests - but someone's going to have a rotten evening.

You know nuthin', Ramsay Snow.

We open with poor Theon Greyjoy, neutered and whipped into pet-like submission, trailing through the woods after his sadistic master Ramsay Snow, who is literally hunting a young girl for sport. Ramsay's father, Roose Bolton (of Red Wedding fame) returns home to chastise his bastard son for his handy work on Theon, a hostage who was intended to be a major bargaining chip, not a bargaining chip with a bite taken out of it. Roose is decidedly unimpressed until Ramsay's impressive trick at having Theon carefully shave him with a straight razor, and reveal the news that Bran and Rickon Stark are still alive, and probably heading to Castle Black in search of their half-brother, Jon. He's half-right!

Tyrion arranges to have Jaime train with the discreet Ser Bronn, in a place where nobody ever bothers you. If I was a resident of King's Landing, I think that's where I'd spend all of my time.

 "Goodbye, my sexy friend."

Lord Varys returns to inform Tyrion that his relationship with Shae has been discovered - and her time is running out. Tyrion, (in a move perfected by John Lithgow in Harry and the Hendersons), finally, but barely convincingly, manages to insult Shae just enough to get her to storm out of the room, leaving him forever. Ser Bronn swears he saw her to a boat which will carry her to safety. But surely it's not possible that Tywin simply forgot that he had ordered to have her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding? Ill tidings for next week's episode.

For Stannis, not much has changed, he's still hanging out on beaches at night, still impassively watching the burning of heretics and still giving Ser Davos a hard time. He is hanging out with his  wife a bit more, though she's not exactly sparkling company. The perpetual dank of Dragonstone cannot be good for the demeanor, generally, I don't think. Stannis does show some warmth towards his disfigured captive daughter however, which leads Melissandre to go knock on the young princess' cell door and fill her in on what the Lord of Light has to say about heaven and hell. (Idea for struggling Jehovah's Witnesses: door-knocking in prisons: Upside: reduction of doors slammed in faces. Downside: significant increase in shiv wounds).

Meanwhile, Bran is somewhere beyond the wall with the weird Reed kids and the loyal Hodor, running out of food while his dream animal feasts on deer. But they do spot a tree, chiseled with the faces of the old gods, which prompts Bran to have visions of a student art film, complete with flashes of the three-eyed raven, Ned Stark, the Iron Throne and a whispering voice telling him to go 'North'. It's like listening to your Navman on acid.

Try splitting a bill at this table.

Back in King's Landing the pageantry has begun, with King Joffrey being presented with gifts - novelty goblets, history books (for those doomed to repeat it) and the other Valyrion steel sword fashioned at the season open (which he first uses as a paper shredder for the book Tyrion gifted him) and which in every use will remind him of 'cutting off Ned Stark's head again'. And so begins the Greatest Hits of Joffrey Baratheon - reminders of the deaths he's ordered, or claimed, or committed, his sense of superiority, and his every worst impulse gets one more look-in before the big finale. Just in case you needed reminding.

We're at the wedding ceremony in no time- and it's over in flash (one minute tops, by my count). But then the fun begins. Tywin and Cersei trade barbs with Oberyn and Ellaria, each accusing the other of being unworthy of respect and Oberyn reminding them both that Cersei's daughter Myrcella still resides in Dorne, so... Check.

Sigur Ros, always aiming for 'epic'.

Then the reception truly begins, with fire breathers, acrobats and Icelandic band Sigur Ros (in what is probably - let's face it - their around-the-house clothes), getting booed off stage and pelted with vegetables. They'll endure a lot of things in Westeros- dragons, giants and white walkers - but songs sung in Hopelandish is a bridge too far!

Brienne, with little else to do these days but standing around looking uncomfortable, speaks with Margaery but catches the sinister eye of Cersei, who accuses her of disloyalty and of falling in love with her brother (Cersei's brother, I mean. Not Brienne's own brother, a distinction that in any other show (poor grammar aside) would be unnecessary). Now with a taste for blood, Cersei makes her way straight over to Grand Maester Pycelle to recind the new Queen's orders to serve the remaining food to the poor, instead ordering him to feed it to the dogs.

Continuing with recapping his offences, Joffrey has a group of dwarves perform a vaudeville of recent high profile deaths including the beheading of Sansa's brother Robb. Then, remembering how much he hates his Uncle Tyrion, tries to get him to take part in the show as well. When Tyrion deftly  refuses, Joffrey opts to humiliate his uncle by pouring wine over his head and forcing him to be his cup bearer. Tyrion begrudgingly obliges, and unknowing hands the King a poisoned chalice. The sputtering coughs draw us in as we all get what we've longed for- a humiliating, pathetic, public death for a cartoonishly despicable villain. Here's a highlight again, just for fun:

Ahahahaha!

It's satisfying and shocking, but also just a little bit sad - because after all, he was one hell of a bad guy.

Dontos the fool comes to secret Sansa away in Joffrey's final moments, implying some level of knowledge about the proceedings but unfortunately things don't look good for Tyrion as is seized by the king's guard in the episode's final moments.

So who the hell is king now? Is it Joffrey's younger brother Tommen, who up to now has mostly been seen and not heard? He's got some decidedly loathed shoes to fill (once he cleans the vomit and blood off them, obviously).

Until next week! In the meantime, you can listen to Sigur Ros' version of The Rains of Castamere here (it's actually in English, but only barely).

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 1 recap

Spoilers ahead! 

It's back! We've had ten months to digest the last season, and hopefully it was long enough, because things aren't slowing down in season 4. This episode plays more like a mid season chapter than a traditional season opener- sure, the war is over, (or not over, because 'Stannis still lives') but nothing has ended. With myriad storylines still midstream (this season is merely the second half of the third book), the plot moves steadily forward rather than reestablishing where everybody is (everywhere) and who they want to kill (everyone).

The season opens with Tywin Lannister, Hand of the King, forging two new swords from Robb Stark's oversized weapon, one of which he gives to his clean cut for-the-first-time in a season son, Jaime (Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, Man with the Golden Fist, Leftie). Jaime likes the sword but takes the news that he no longer has a place in the King's guard rather poorly. Jaime's world has been realigned and he's no longer at the centre of it. He's forty (as everyone keeps reminding him), has no family of his own and his greatest skill has been snatched from him. He plays petulant and remarkably, gets his way- after all, his sister Cersei's not in Casterley Rock where Tywin wants him, she's here.

The couple that plays together, stays together.

Tyrion looks to welcome the first new character of the season, Prince Oberyn Mortell of Dorne as a guest at the King's wedding. He's not much for ceremony (unless the ceremony involves his paramour and he picking out decidedly untimid and/or expensive prostitutes). The introduction of the Oberyn leads to the seasons first instance of full frontal nudity (Mark it: Game of Thrones made it ten whole minutes without full frontal nudity this season) as he and Ellaria check out the wares in Littlefinger's brothel. When Oberyn decides he also wants the goods from the male 'procurer', the show has missed a major opportunity to display a little gratuitous male nudity to offset the charges of gratuitous female nudity. C'mon HBO, show some balls (zing!).

Also- Oberyn wants to kill all Lannisters because: family history. Take a ticket, right?

My kingdom for a close shave!

Meanwhile, in the desert, Khaleesi is hanging with some seriously sizable dragons which give a true indication of their potential savagery when they fight over a broken lamb body and snap at their master. Khaleesi's a little shaken by the incident by assured by Ser Jorah that she shouldn't be worried- the creatures will never truly be tamed. And if you can't trust a man with a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow, who can you trust?

Maybe the new Daario Naharios? The recast warrior that was once a bit of a WWF-wrestler-by-way-of-Fabio, but is now Sonny, the musician junkie from Treme. Casting director is an easy job, in my opinion:

Same same.

Khaleesi and her mammoth unsullied army continue on their way to Meereen, a charming place where nothing goes to waste- you can make a medicinal tea from their flowers, or signposts from the corpses of children. Conservatives try to warn us of the dangers of sustainability, this must be what they're talking about.

Meanwhile, back in King's Landing, Shae is trying to get Sansa to eat, because she's lost a bit of appetite since she found out her whole family was murdered a few weeks ago at the Red Wedding (you might have heard about it, it featured on the internet). Tyrion tries his best to make her feel better, but to no avail. Thankfully she runs into the Knight-turned-fool that she saved from beheading at Joffrey's name day. He's so grateful for her mercy that he gives her his only possession/family heirloom, a maternal necklace. She's touched.

C'mon!

Jaime explains to Cersei that they'll finally be able to be together again, now that he's on the King's Guard but she's having none of it. She's pretty annoyed that he spent a year (guesswork) being captured and escaped and maimed and not being, well, there. And now, betrothed, boozy and seeking the aid of unlicensed maester Qyburn for some obscure ailments, Cersei claims that Jaime has returned 'too late' for them to continue their forbidden love. No one does ill-tidings like Game of Thrones!

The Wildlings, including Ygritte are biding their time waiting for word from Mance to launch their attack on Castle Black. Instead the Thenns arrive, on Mance's orders. The latest new characters appear to be self mutilating cannibals with mean tracking skills. I'm assuming they'd exhausted supplies in their long journey, since I can't imagine an arm makes for the most satisfying of meals, if the whole human body is the menu. (Got to be the thighs, right?)

I fuckin' hate pikeys.

At Castle Black, Jon Snow has a renewed sense of self-assurance as he fronts to the Night's Watch council, laying out his series of misdeeds and sounds just a little like a kid in the schoolyard- 'yeah, I laid with a wildling, like hundreds of times'. Of course, it turns out that everyone at the Night's Watch has been dipping their pen in the ink at the local brothel anyway. (Was this already common knowledge?)

Margaery Tyrell meets the mighty Brienne of Tarth and learns about such things as smoke demons, like the one who murdered her brother and resembled an oily Stannis. She's none too perturbed by the news, perhaps taking heed of her grandmother's advice and playing the cards close to her chest, or does her nonchalance betray a deeper knowledge?

And finally, Arya and Clegane the Hound continue on their way North, riffing and bickering as they do. When Arya accuses the Hound of having double standards in regards to infanticide vs common thievery, the show even drops a reference to The Wire, just for a laugh. But they weren't the first to do it:

In search of food, but with no money, they stumble across a small tavern, where Arya spots the Lannister soldier named Polliver who killed her friend Lommy with Arya's own sword, several episodes ago. The soldiers are portrayed as the raping, pillaging types, so we get have a good laugh as the Hound lays them to waste with face-breaking blows, swords through the backs and knifes (repeatedly) to the face. When Arya finally gets her moment of retaliation on the slimy Polliver, repeating his very own lines until the realisation dawns on him, there is a look in the young actress' eyes that reveals perhaps a monstrous nature being brought to life. She's starting to enjoy the revenge business.

Say hello to my little friend

So there's plenty of stuff happening, but we're not yet up to speed on Davos rebuilding Stannis' army and how things are going with Melisandre. Bran is over the wall somewhere and  the freshly euniched Theon Greyjoy is still presumably chained up in a dungeon while his sister makes way to rescue him. It's important to have something to look forward to.

Game of Thrones Season 3 recap collection

Game of Thrones Season 3 recap link collection. For those time when you just can't remember who killed who.

Episode 1: Valar Dohaeris
Episode 2: Dark Wings, Dark Words
Episode 3: Walk of Punishment
Episode 4: And Now His Watch is Ended
Episode 5: Kissed by Fire
Episode 6: The Climb
Episode 7: The Bear and the Maiden Fair
Episode 8: Second Sons
Episode 9: The Rains of Castamere
Episode 10: Mhysa