Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 2

Spoilers ahead.

Ok, I think we can all agree now on the lesson Game of Thrones was trying to teach us all along: weddings are the worst. They might be in the wedding party or one of the guests - but someone's going to have a rotten evening.

You know nuthin', Ramsay Snow.

We open with poor Theon Greyjoy, neutered and whipped into pet-like submission, trailing through the woods after his sadistic master Ramsay Snow, who is literally hunting a young girl for sport. Ramsay's father, Roose Bolton (of Red Wedding fame) returns home to chastise his bastard son for his handy work on Theon, a hostage who was intended to be a major bargaining chip, not a bargaining chip with a bite taken out of it. Roose is decidedly unimpressed until Ramsay's impressive trick at having Theon carefully shave him with a straight razor, and reveal the news that Bran and Rickon Stark are still alive, and probably heading to Castle Black in search of their half-brother, Jon. He's half-right!

Tyrion arranges to have Jaime train with the discreet Ser Bronn, in a place where nobody ever bothers you. If I was a resident of King's Landing, I think that's where I'd spend all of my time.

 "Goodbye, my sexy friend."

Lord Varys returns to inform Tyrion that his relationship with Shae has been discovered - and her time is running out. Tyrion, (in a move perfected by John Lithgow in Harry and the Hendersons), finally, but barely convincingly, manages to insult Shae just enough to get her to storm out of the room, leaving him forever. Ser Bronn swears he saw her to a boat which will carry her to safety. But surely it's not possible that Tywin simply forgot that he had ordered to have her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding? Ill tidings for next week's episode.

For Stannis, not much has changed, he's still hanging out on beaches at night, still impassively watching the burning of heretics and still giving Ser Davos a hard time. He is hanging out with his  wife a bit more, though she's not exactly sparkling company. The perpetual dank of Dragonstone cannot be good for the demeanor, generally, I don't think. Stannis does show some warmth towards his disfigured captive daughter however, which leads Melissandre to go knock on the young princess' cell door and fill her in on what the Lord of Light has to say about heaven and hell. (Idea for struggling Jehovah's Witnesses: door-knocking in prisons: Upside: reduction of doors slammed in faces. Downside: significant increase in shiv wounds).

Meanwhile, Bran is somewhere beyond the wall with the weird Reed kids and the loyal Hodor, running out of food while his dream animal feasts on deer. But they do spot a tree, chiseled with the faces of the old gods, which prompts Bran to have visions of a student art film, complete with flashes of the three-eyed raven, Ned Stark, the Iron Throne and a whispering voice telling him to go 'North'. It's like listening to your Navman on acid.

Try splitting a bill at this table.

Back in King's Landing the pageantry has begun, with King Joffrey being presented with gifts - novelty goblets, history books (for those doomed to repeat it) and the other Valyrion steel sword fashioned at the season open (which he first uses as a paper shredder for the book Tyrion gifted him) and which in every use will remind him of 'cutting off Ned Stark's head again'. And so begins the Greatest Hits of Joffrey Baratheon - reminders of the deaths he's ordered, or claimed, or committed, his sense of superiority, and his every worst impulse gets one more look-in before the big finale. Just in case you needed reminding.

We're at the wedding ceremony in no time- and it's over in flash (one minute tops, by my count). But then the fun begins. Tywin and Cersei trade barbs with Oberyn and Ellaria, each accusing the other of being unworthy of respect and Oberyn reminding them both that Cersei's daughter Myrcella still resides in Dorne, so... Check.

Sigur Ros, always aiming for 'epic'.

Then the reception truly begins, with fire breathers, acrobats and Icelandic band Sigur Ros (in what is probably - let's face it - their around-the-house clothes), getting booed off stage and pelted with vegetables. They'll endure a lot of things in Westeros- dragons, giants and white walkers - but songs sung in Hopelandish is a bridge too far!

Brienne, with little else to do these days but standing around looking uncomfortable, speaks with Margaery but catches the sinister eye of Cersei, who accuses her of disloyalty and of falling in love with her brother (Cersei's brother, I mean. Not Brienne's own brother, a distinction that in any other show (poor grammar aside) would be unnecessary). Now with a taste for blood, Cersei makes her way straight over to Grand Maester Pycelle to recind the new Queen's orders to serve the remaining food to the poor, instead ordering him to feed it to the dogs.

Continuing with recapping his offences, Joffrey has a group of dwarves perform a vaudeville of recent high profile deaths including the beheading of Sansa's brother Robb. Then, remembering how much he hates his Uncle Tyrion, tries to get him to take part in the show as well. When Tyrion deftly  refuses, Joffrey opts to humiliate his uncle by pouring wine over his head and forcing him to be his cup bearer. Tyrion begrudgingly obliges, and unknowing hands the King a poisoned chalice. The sputtering coughs draw us in as we all get what we've longed for- a humiliating, pathetic, public death for a cartoonishly despicable villain. Here's a highlight again, just for fun:

Ahahahaha!

It's satisfying and shocking, but also just a little bit sad - because after all, he was one hell of a bad guy.

Dontos the fool comes to secret Sansa away in Joffrey's final moments, implying some level of knowledge about the proceedings but unfortunately things don't look good for Tyrion as is seized by the king's guard in the episode's final moments.

So who the hell is king now? Is it Joffrey's younger brother Tommen, who up to now has mostly been seen and not heard? He's got some decidedly loathed shoes to fill (once he cleans the vomit and blood off them, obviously).

Until next week! In the meantime, you can listen to Sigur Ros' version of The Rains of Castamere here (it's actually in English, but only barely).