Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 7 recap

Spoilers ahead!

Yet another stellar episode, made up chiefly of conversational moments of reflection. There was a little in the way of dramatic action, but a lot in the way of character motivation.

Jaime sits with Tyrion in his cell, chastising him for his reckless decision to throw away his chance at survival. Tyrion explains that after hearing Shae twist and distort the truth about their relationship he couldn't take it anymore, and besides, he had the pleasure of watching Tywin's plans fall apart.

After this, he'll relax at the Korova milkbar

But they didn't fall apart like I thought they would. Not at all, in fact. I had assumed we were headed for a Jaime vs Bronn showdown, a battle that would pit two well acquainted swordsmen against each other with the future of the Lannister name in peril! But nope- Cersei (being the accuser in the case) has chosen The Mountain to be her champion. He is introduced in a comically ridiculous scene of violence, cutting threw some poor, helpless prisoners.

As such, Jaime can't be Tyrion's champion because his left-handed swordsman skills are so poor he "couldn't beat a stable-boy" (I'm assuming he's not lying at this moment, but I'd gotten the impression he'd started getting his groove back? Then again, grooving against a Mountain probably wouldn't do much good).

Naturally, Tyrion appeals to his trusty mercenary mate Bronn, only to discover, when he arrives in the cell draped in new finery, that he is engaged to be married to Lollys Stockworth, as arranged by the taking-care-of-all-loose-ends Cersei. It's a deal that will reward Bronn with all the gold he could ever need as well as putting in a position to be one horse-riding accident away from the inheritance of a castle. Bronn, in true form, regretfully declines. He's got it made, would you throw that away for a chance to be disemboweled by a giant?
 

Without appropriate hiking gear,
they could latch on before you know it.

The Hound and Arya (were people always pronouncing it as 'Ah-Ya', did I mishear it all this time?) take in some local sites: burning huts, bleeding peasants, inept but talkative bounty hunters, and then have a chance to wax philosophical about the nature of nothingness.

Jon Snow and his band of men return to the Wall after their attack on Craster's Keep two weeks ago. They are triumphant, but no one seems to give a damn, preferring instead to behave as though nothing happened. If we're breaking it down, you could say that the whole Craster's Keep sequence only served as a way for Jon to get Ghost back. Otherwise it's served very little purpose - the scenes at the Wall in this episode could easily have been from episodes way back in the series - everyone at the Wall dislikes Jon, won't listen to his advice about the safety of the wall or Mance's impending attack, and they all laugh when he and Sam get assigned top-of-the-wall night watch for a month. I thought he at least had some buddies now.

Khaleesi gets her rocks off with Daario Naharis, because she's the Queen and can whatever she damn pleases. Also, wild flowers. Then she sends him back to Yunkai to retake the city.

Brienne and Pod, taking a pit stop on their travels happen upon the inn that Arya's old friend Hot Pie is working in. Obviously starved of conversation, he drags up a stool and weaves a tale of meat and gravy until Brienne drops the name 'Stark'. Thanks to her trusty demeanor, Hot Pie decides he can confide in her about the last-time-he-spoke-to-her-she-wasn't-dead AhYa Stark. He also baked her a fresh Direwolf biscuit. Which looked really tasty, but might be a bit sodden and crumbly by the time it actually makes it to its intended recipient. Those forest trails look pretty dank.

With Pod's acute understanding of who's married to who, and who hates who, he summises that if ArYa is alive, she'd head for her Aunty's place. In which case, so might Sansa. And so Brienne and Pod decide to take the road to the Eyrie, in what may be a quick trip (a la Jon's trip to Craster's Keep) or a long one (a la ArYa and Hound's trips everywhere). Here's hoping for the latter- with plenty of wit and japery! Sansa's a shoe-in for the Lamour role, but I can't figure out who the straight man is for the Hope & Crosby roles though...

I literally have tonnes of great ideas.

The suave Prince Oberyn comes to see Tyrion in his cell, in the dead of night, to tell him of the first time the two of them met. It's another fine scene in an episode full of them. Oberyn recalls coming to King's Landing not long after Tyrion's birth, when all talk was of the Lannister 'Monster' that had just been born. Tyrion tears up as he is told of Cersei's early cruelty, torturing what was really 'just a baby'. A man with an obvious penchant for the dramatic, he stands, takes a torch from the wall to adequately illuminate his solemnity and declares- 'I will be your champion' (maybe Tyrion would think he was joking if he couldn't see his serious face in the dark). Tyrion has a look of barely uncontained relief, gratitude and exhaustion. Also hope. I think I saw hope in there. That's some comprehensive, subtle work from Peter Dinklage.

At the Eyrie, Sansa takes some time to build a mini snow fort of Winterfell before the entitled little Robin comes prancing in and tries to install a moon door in the top of the master house. And like so many renovators to follow him, he totally screws it up and kicks down what was already there. Sansa gives him a mighty slap, which sends him running off for mum. Littlefinger has been watching, of course, but isn't perturbed, he thinks the slap is long overdue.

Mountain air is said to
soothe the nerves.

Sansa asks Littlefinger why he really killed Joffrey, and his reply 'wouldn't you want revenge on those who hurt the ones you love', is, in the world of Game of Thrones, a pretty damned smooth line. He makes his move and kisses Sansa for reals. But of course this is the busiest courtyard in the Vale, and Lysa is also watching. Naturally the confrontation takes place at everybody's favourite OHS hazard, the Moon Door. The usual hysteria ensues, as Lysa threatens to cast Sansa out to her demise until Littlefinger comes to calm things down. He promises, swears even, to send young Sansa away. And then, in the least unexpected death of the entire series, Littlefinger pushes Lysa through the door. And Robin didn't even get to see her fly.

Two weeks to episode eight.

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 6 recap

Spoilers ahead!

Another great episode this week, full of drama, drama, drama and a few notable firsts: We finally see the epic city of Braavos, we see the Theon's sister Yara and the Ironborns in action and we see how the justice system, such as it is, functions in Westeros (spoiler: not so well).

Things open as Stannis and Davos enter the epic city of Braavos, a city much spoken of and which lives up to its legendary reputation. The mouth of its bay is overseen by a huge statue of a soldier triumphantly holding a broken sword to the sky, which tells you a lot of things, most notably: this place takes shit seriously.

I thought cleaning the house was a shitty job.

As Iron Banker #1, Mark Gatiss (of the amazing League of Gentlemen, all of whom should have recurring roles in GoT, IMO) is unmoved by Stannis and Davos' case because their numbers just don't add up. But when Davos pulls out his prop of 'no fingers', he actually convinces the league of Braavosi bankers that not only is Stannis a man of his word, but a better long-term bet. Because, let's face it- Tywin Lannnister is the only one who knows what he's doing in King's Landing. When he's gone, who you gonna call?

Then we get to see the Yara and the Ironborns in action at the Dreadfort, staging an attack impressive in both its initial covert nature and its incredible swiftness (seriously, they're there for like 5 minutes- and they've been sailing since last season), until they reach the kennels only to discover that the good, loyal Reek won't leave his cage. And so, once again, doing the honourable thing in Westeros is shown to be a bad idea.

It's OK to be proud.

Following this, the bloodythirsty, kinky sex-loving Ramsay (do you suppose he got those bloody cuts all over his torso from the love-making, or his sword fighting on his way to the kennels. Ambiguity is a harsh mistress!) has a cunning plan. Rewarding his loyal Reek with a bath (and the most threatening bath sponge you've even seen), he starts to lay out his next cunning plan - reprogram Reek into a faux-Theon and help stage a coup on the strategic stronghold Moat Cailin. By my reckoning we should see this take place around about mid-season five. It's something ludicrous to look forward to.

For the dragon on the go.

Back in the lush grazing lands of Meereen, Khaleesi's dragons are running amok, roasting goats and leaving the herders with nothing but a pile of charcoaled remains. He appeals to Khaleesi (I'm not the only one who thought the guy was going to unfold the blanket to reveal his son's bones, am I?) and is promised restitution to the value of three times his herd. He exits, stage right. How easy is ruling? It's good to be the Queen.

Next supplicant is the son of one of Meereen's noble masters, appealing to have his father's body removed from the human signposts outside the city so that he may have a proper burial. The poor Queen is a little shaken - this one is a little stickier than crispy goatmeat. She eventually agrees - yes, he can bury his father. He exits, grateful. Only another 212 more supplicants to go. It's boring to be the Queen.

Who makes all these things happen anyway? Do you suppose there's some sort of admin guy hanging around the cloisters, taking notes on the Queen's decrees and making arrangements for them to be actioned? Is there are a whole team? And how long does it take? If there's one thing I know about admin, it's that it takes ages.

For the second half of the episode it's all steadily ratcheting drama. The new King's Council meets for the first time, with Oberyn complaining that it's too early and Varys dropping news bombs all over the place. The Hound has been spotted killing Lannister soldiers so Tywin decides to place a 100 Silver Stag bounty on his head. (Which pricks up Oberyn's ears- perhaps a handsome bounty will make the Mountain go looking for his brother and give Oberyn a chance for revenge, without owing a debt to Tywin?).

There's also news that 'the Targaryen girl' has taken up residence in Meereen with her unsullied, her second sons and her 'three baby dragons' who 'get bigger every year'. Tywin decides that something must be done, and Varys' 'little birds' are ones to organise it. He sends the just-thrilled-to-be-included Mace Tyrell to fetch his quill and paper so that he can prepare instructions...

[Insert juvenile caption joke here.
Something to do with going to the toilet, probably]

And then we move on to the big show that is Tyrion's trial, and get a proper look at how the justice system works in Westeros: arbitrarily! King Tommen recuses himself from proceedings, thus leaving Grandpa Tywin to run things as he sees fit. Consequently, we get devastating, but circumstantial, testimony from those Tyrion has crossed (Ser Meryn, Cersei), insulted (Grand Maester Pycelle) or left in a vicarious position (Varys, who, we all hope, is playing some angle that allows him to save Tyrion??).


It's all pretty bad, and Tyrion treats it with the disdain it deserves. Even Jaime sees through the nonsense and appeals to his Father with deal: Let Tyrion live, and I'll quit the King's Guard and give you some grandkids to carry on the Lannister name. And before Jaime even realises it: it's a done deal! So that was ol' Tywin's strategy all along - he gets to exile one embarrassing son to the wall as penalty for Joffrey's assassination and gets his other son to father some legitimate children. Tywin always sees the angles.

And so it's all tidily stitched up until the Surprise Witness™ appears. Tyrion's one true love, Shae, seeming to genuinely be a woman scorned (which is better than the fate I guessed had befallen her), delivers nuggets of truth coated in the hot sauce of the opposite-of-context. It's heart-breaking.

[Side note: Where did they get this crowd? In a city that sees frequent acts of attack and execution, they sure did shock easy at the mention of the phase "I was his whore". Must be conservative voters.]

The whole testimony leaves Tyrion shattered and with nothing left to lose, so he lets rip at the crowd for their short memories and foolish beliefs (maybe we can book him to deliver the same speech here in Australia when our mining reserves run out). 

But he won't admit to murdering Joffrey (maybe it was the pigeons), so, as the only act of retaliation left open to him, he demands a trial by combat! The crowd does nuts! But what does this mean? I forget the rules. Does a volunteer have to fight him, or do the judges select someone? And someone can fight on his behalf, yes? Like the last time he faced this problem at the Eyrie. So who will it be? It's got to be Jaime vs Ser Bronn, right? A real show stopper: two men who, after months of training together, now know each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Not to mention, if Jaime's sperm is put in danger, what does this mean for Tywin's grand plan?!

Game of Thrones Season 4: Episode 5 recap

Spoilers ahead!

Now that was a good episode. Maybe one of the best! Slightly clunky in a few exposition parts ("remember the time I poisoned my husband?"), but considering the changed nature of the landscape following this episode, and how deftly it brings us full circle from the very first episode of the series, it's easy to overlook a few stumbles.

The things we do for everything.

The biggest revelation of the episode (arguably the series, up to this point) is tucked away in the middle of the episode. The realisation that Littlefinger has been the puppet master behind this game of thrones all along, whose very actions kicked the entire series into motion. It was he who conspired to murder King Robert Baratheon's Hand of the King, Jon Aryn of the Vale, and then have the widow Lysa write a letter to her sister Catelyn Stark (way back in season 1, episode 1) blaming the Lannisters for his death. This brings Ned Stark to King's Landing where he is eventually executed (spoiler) after coming to believe Aryn's murder was a means of covering up Joffrey's true lineage. This in turn kicks the brewing turmoil into all-our war.  All the while, Littlefinger was secreting away money in his role of Master of Coin, awaiting his chance to marry Lady Lysa  and thus gain control of an impenetrable fortress with a strong army undiminished by a war in which they take no part. Phew. Did you get all that? I probably missed some stuff.

Kudos, Littlefinger. That's some nice long term scheming. 

I now pronounce you: better than your brother.

Meanwhile: Tommen's coronation is a decidedly upbeat affair, probably because the crowd, for a change, feel like the chances of suddenly being humiliated and murdered by their king for no reason are suddenly super low. A basic prerequisite for a party in my book. Margaery makes lovey faces at Tommen all the while, selecting the most obvious place in the royal hall to do it. It's not long before Cersei eyes her off and saddles alongside her. The party has obviously put her in a good mood too, because despite playing her cards pretty close to her chest (we must assume) and actually seemed to seek a mutually beneficial arrangement with Margaery rather than tossing threats at her.  Same goes for when Cersei tries to find common ground with Prince Oberyn by waxing sentimental about their children. She must be up to something, right?

In Meereen, everyone is good and cleaned up (except, again, Ser Jorah, still unshaven) after their successful victory. Jorah has good news and bad news though. And he's obviously taken some managing relationship courses because he knows how to deliver constructive criticism the middle management way- by using the sandwich method! 

E-book coming soon.

First, take a slice of good news bread:
Hey Khalessi, Joffrey is dead! That means there's dissent within the kingdom.

But then; the meat of criticism:
Hey Khaleesi- remember all those places you liberated? Well, the slavers have taken over again. Everyone's saying the Mother of Dragons ain't such a liberator after all - the PR department are losing their minds. It's pretty bad.

And to complete the constructive criticism sandwich you add one more piece of good news bread: 
Hey, Khalessi- you now have enough men (9300), enough boats (93) and enough dragons (3) to take King's Landing. And maybe the rest of Westeros, if you're lucky. 

Jorah serves it up and..bam:
Instead of launching an invasion on Westeros, Khaleesi decides to take some time to "rule" the lands she has already conquered. She's working on improving her leadership skills before taking the next step in career progression. Tick that 'satisfactory' box on her performance review.

Tywin and Cersei have a heart to heart, organising Tommen's marriage to Margeary (that was fast) in two weeks, Cersei's marriage to Loras (in a month) and the reasons this is so important. Laying out quite bluntly what had been alluded to regularly through the show- that the Lannisters are woefully in debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos and without the help of the Tyrells, they won't be in power very long. After all, they've mined no gold in three years (bastards probably didn't even pay mining taxes when they were), it's all on credit.

Arya and the Hound (place of pride as last on her doomed men list) take a brief respite in the countryside to sleep, practice sword fighting and say 'cunt' a bit more. Also, the Hound thinks Braavosi sword fighting sucks.

A face only a prostitute could
love and love and love...

Brienne and Podrick get off to a rocky start, what with his lack of riding skills, lack of meal prepping skills (he stomps a burning rabbit rather than throwing it in the creek that is just there) and reluctance to accept his release from the oath of squireship. It's only when he happens to mention that put a spear through the back of Kings Guard's head at the Battle of Blackwater that Brienne sees his true value. She asks him to help remove her armour. It's as close to an ohhhh as Game of Thrones gets.

Jon and his men are at Craster's Keep. Just like that. It's thrilling that some of this stuff is happening so swiftly, after four years of "winter is coming" and dragons gradually getting bigger, I love that the show just pushed straight ahead with this storyline. Locke proves himself adept at moving around unnoticed, spying out the location of Bran and his crew in a small hut on the grounds. 

You can tell way more about a person from their
eHarmony profile pic than the profile alone.

The vile lead mutineer, Karl Tanner makes one final quality attempt at deserving his death by preparing to rape Meera, but is stopped in his tracks as Jojen foretells his future: that of becoming a broken, burning corpse before night's end. Sure enough, Jon Snow runs him through the head with his sword (in an odd bit of foreshadowed action considering Podrick's specific tale of death not 15 minutes earlier). And when Locke sneaks in to kidnap Bran (I don't really understand why he didn't just kill them all straight away, while they're all tied up - maybe to find out where Rikon is?), Bran pulls a very satisfying trick by wargging into Hodor, breaking his chains and then tearing Locke's head out of its socket. Man, that was sweet. 

Hodor smash!

And so Craster's Keep is burnt to the ground as Bran, the (suddenly) reinvigorated Jojen, Meera and Hodor head back on the trail in search of the three eyed raven and the weirwood tree. But at least Jon reunites with his direwolf. One more ohhhh moment.

I almost forgot: Lysa expects Sansa to marry her weird son Robin. Gross. That probably won't happen though will it? I mean, Lysa is sure to 'trip' and fall through the moon door any minute, yeah? And then the conveniently widowed Littlefinger will simply marry Sansa. Nothing to worry about!