Spoilers ahead.
This is happening.
We open with a close-up of Jamie Lannister's hand as it dangles lifelessly on a rope strung around its forebearer's neck. Jamie collapses from his horse, dehydrated and given to scrambling about in the mud. This is the very definition of 'being taken down a peg'. Jamie is resigned to death and won't eat, but Brienne, obviously beholden to the man after he lied to save her dignity, won't let that happen, so she likens his attitude to that of a woman, and bam!- his mojo starts to come back. Is The Biggest Loser like this scene, with worse production values, and dragged out to series length?
Then we visit with Lord Varys in his chambers, as Tyrion comes to seek counsel on the topic of revenge. He's not only come to the right place, he's come at precisely the right time too, as Varys wrestles open a large crate that has been delivered to his quarters. Varys tells Tyrion his terrible, (incredible) back story of being a young boy sold off to a dark sorceror who slices up his genitals as a blood offering to some fiery god/demon/fetishist. Then, in the first sign that this episode will be pulling out the stops, we find out what's in the box.
The simple fact that this terrible (incredible) reveal is delivered in the first five minutes of this episode indicates that the showrunners must have something pretty great up their sleeve for the rest of this episode. In some ways in fact, it's practically a spoiler - in structure, if not in plot. A petty man might level that as a criticism against the episode...
Over at Craster's House of Love™ Sam and the rest of the ranger boys are growing uneasy after burning one of the corpses of their fallen brothers. Cranster's not being very forthcoming with provisions and the guys aren't going to take it anymore. Their mutiny involves a nifty bit of misdirection work to get ol' Lord Commander Mormont out of the tent just long enough for someone to shove a knife through Craster's jaw. And then they start killing everyone else.
Sam rushes off in moment of character development to rescue Gilly and her newborn son (shhhh!). Thank the new gods for the visual clue that was Sam's mother's thimble that Sam gifted to Gilly last season. It was the only way I became sure that this was the same girl. In any case, they scramble off into the night and some kind of terrifying freedom. Here's hoping that Gilly is a bit more robust than Sam.
Bran's dreaming of his legs and his mother as he chases the metaphor of his warg-ness. It's this episode's Jon Snow segment. He's on his way somewhere, but it's going to take him a while.
We learn about as much as we're likely to about Pod's secret talent, when Varys and Ros sit to have a discussion about Lord Baelish's secret plans for secreting Sansa away. This sets Varys in motion with a new scheme to save Sansa and upset Littlefinger because he finds him so amusing. This involves wrangling help from Olenna Tyrell and Margaery, who are, at the very least, savvy enough to curry some good favour from Kings Landing's great secret keeper. Not to mention it wouldn't hurt to have a Stark in the family if the war from the North ever makes it to town.
But what I'm most looking forward to is seeing Baelish's reaction when he discovers something has gone amiss in his carefully cultivated plans. Will he finally fly off the handle?
Margaery and Joffrey make plans for their grand wedding as it becomes ever clearer the control she is starting to exert over him. She plays him like a poorly-bred fiddle. Cersei's onto this, but has trouble convincing her father Tywin because he's pretty sure 'she's not as smart as she thinks she is'. Which, I think, mirrors a remark Cersei made to Tyrion in the first episode? I think she told him he wasn't as clever as he thinks he is, and Tyrion countered with 'but at least that still makes me smarter than you'. A great comeback, but that line probably wouldn't have worked on Daddy.
Things get confounding here. Theon, a poor navigator as much as he is magnificent healer (he bounds into trenches with an ease one doesn't usually find in a man with a hole through his foot), fails to realise he's been led back to his former torture chamber by the very man who helped him escape and subsequently rescued him from rapists. It's awful news, and he takes it badly (I'm a little upset myself: what is going on?!) This is episode four's sequence to make the audience finally feel sorry for a pretty despicable character before putting them through some whole new unpleasantness. Hey, at least he's still got both his hands!
Arya and Gendry get brought to the Brotherhood without Banner's very own Bat Cave, and explain their (pretty well-founded) beef with the Hound. Looks like he'll get the chance to go mano-a-mano with their leader, Dondarrion in a sword fight, but from the look on the Hound's face at the news, he may be somewhat outmatched. That's cool and all, but was I the only one hoping just a little bit that Arya was actually going to have to fight the Hound herself?
And then, we arrive at the climax. Oh, yes. Despite anticipating this development last week, I was no less thrilled when Dany raised up that whip in her hand and starting speaking in Valyrian to her newly acquired Unsullied army. This is the moment that season three bounded forward with the momentum it has been gathering these last few episodes. The army took up arms against the Astapori and after the bloodshed hailed their allegiance to their new Queen. It was one hell of a moment, and it was one hell of an ending.
